My parents saved up for the so-called counseling, having heard from a network of Baptist preachers that in many cases clients needed months, sometimes years, of “treatment”. By the time I realized that conversion therapy wasn’t working, it had not only taken our money, but also caused deep emotional and psychological damage to our family.
Before the two weeks were up, the program director talked with my mother about extending my stay for a month, then three months, and after that, maybe even years. It was only after my mother saw me on the verge of suicide that she took me off treatment. Otherwise, we might have spent thousands more years and lost years of our lives to conversion therapy.
In many ways, I was lucky. With the support of affirmative friends, I was able to convince myself and my family that I didn’t need to erase my identity. When one of my conversion therapy counselors contacted me later, begging me to give up my “sinful lifestyle” and re-enroll, I told him the truth: that I was much happier to accept who I was.
Although I didn’t spend more money on conversion therapy, I suffered for years from depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts, the true cost of which I couldn’t even begin to calculate. Because of the harmful religious bigotry I experienced during my sessions, I could no longer pray to God without feeling shame. I took Viagra when I was 19 because every time I tried to be intimate with my first boyfriend, I remembered counselors telling me I wanted male touch because that I had not experienced it from my father, which created a mental block that seemed insurmountable. without medical intervention.
What is the true cost of losing faith? His ability to experience love?
Do abstract notions of personal and religious freedom always take precedence over real suffering? Is saving money more important than saving lives? Perhaps for many of these politicians the answer to both questions is yes.
While quantifying the financial impact of conversion therapy helps a lot in understanding its tangible costs, you can’t put a price tag on human life. My parents say they would give anything to get back what happened to our family, to reverse the ill effects of conversion therapy. If only they could.
If you are having a suicidal crisis, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text line by texting HOME to 741741 for help.